When Shadows Almost Killed Your Light
by KiliGreenleaf
Summary: Kili has been taunted all life for not looking like a real dwarf. He struggles with his self hatred as Fili tries to reach out to his brother. "Kili's walls were already falling and there was nothing Fili could do. So instead he promised he would be there to pick up the pieces."
1. Chapter 1

**Hi readers! This is my first fanfiction so please be kind! It's also my first Hobbit story!**

**I don't use betas so if you see any mistakes please point them out! And if you see any error about the facts tell me, Because I don't know a lot about dwarves, thanks!**

**This story was inspired by Christina Perri's new song ****_Human._**** The title comes from the lyrics of S****_afe & Sound_**** by Taylor Swift.**

**Warnings: TRIGGERS! This fic is about finding self worth so there will be, eating disorders, self harm, and self hatred**

**I don't own anything.**

Kili had always been different from the other dwarves.

Kili was born early, his body was tiny, skinny, and frail. Nobody thought that he would make it, except Fili. He proved them wrong. Kili's a fighter.

His body was more slender and not as stocky like the others, being skinny was the same as being weak. His facial features had a more sharp angle to them instead of being rounded. He didn't have a big beard, even when he tried to grow it out it would come in uneven and unappealing. So he kept it short, almost nonexistent.

It was a common joke among the dwarves that Thorin's youngest nephew was part elf. For he looked more feminine than the other dwarves his age.

Male dwarves are described as manly. Kili, on the other hand, he was beautiful, which wasn't a welcome trait in male dwarves.

Many mocked him for looking like a maiden or elf. The rude comments and scathing remarks about Kili's looks piled up. He tried hard to appease the dwarvish standard of men, but failed repeatedly.

He often looked at his brother with envy in his brown eyes. Fili was like the perfect dwarf. He had the desired figure for males and had full beard. He was considered in the dwarvish manly, handsome, brave, and skilled in battle.

Kili was viewed as a coward for his weapon choice. While it took great skill to wield a bow, distance weapons, in dwarf eyes, were looked at as a coward's weapon, an _elf's_ weapon. It was for the one who didn't want to face their opponent in an open spar, but take them out without even giving them a chance to defend themselves.

Being an archer also gave Kili an excuse about not really having a beard. No archer should have a beard, for the bow string would get caught in it. It didn't help much, since virtually no dwarf used a bow. Then again Kili was never one to follow the crowd.

After mastering the bow and arrow, Kili moved on to throwing daggers. The jeers about Kili's battle skill slowly disappeared as each arrow hit the bullseye with deadly precision, and each dagger spun through the air with grace, always hitting the intended target.

The physical bullying stopped, but the whispers about his looks never went away. He still heard the others call him a maiden and other hurtful names.

Kili looked at his reflection with inner turmoil surging in him. Kili began to avoid looking at himself because the self hatred had become as worse as ever. His reflection revolted Kili.

Eventually Kili started eating less and less food. The skinnier he got the more he hated himself, but he couldn't bring himself to eat, he was disgusted with himself.

Fili looked at his brother with sadness in his blue eyes. He never knew how to comfort Kili any more. When they were younger it was easier. Kili would often come home with tears streaming down his face because some of the other dwarves had called him a lass or a weakling. Fili would wrap his arms around the young dwarf and whisper comforting words in his ears. He would tell him that he was the best brother in the whole world and that his bullies were wrong. Kili was too young for weapons training, so he relied on Fili for protection and comfort. Fili was convinced when Kili was older he would look like all the other dwarves and the taunting would cease, but that never happened.

His brother kept his slender, girlish, figure. His beard was kept extremely short because of failed growing attempts. His hair remained unbraided and silky, while Fili's blonde locks were braided in multiple places.

He remembered when Kili started weapons training. Fili had always thought that Kili had wanted to be a swordsman, like himself. He had never expected archery. He watched Kili beg Thorin to let him be an archer. He watched Thorin cave as he gave Kili his first bow and quiver of arrows, but Thorin looked down on his nephew for choosing an elvish weapon. He watched in dread as the jokes made about his little brother become worse and worse.

_He's not one of us._

_He's weak._

_He's a coward._

_He's a disgrace._

Archery was considered an elf"s sport, not a dwarf's.

He tried to ignore the comments, but he saw how all of the insults got to Kili.

Fili watched as Kili got thinner and thinner, and how he covered himself up with many layers of clothes to make himself more like the other dwarves.

The worst was the way some of the dwarvish men looked at him, he despised the eyes roamed up and down his little brother like a piece of meat. They gazed at him with lust filled eyes. He heard the cat calls of the drunken men and dwarves when they passed the tavern while walking in town. He also saw the way Kili's eyes filled with tears when he thought no one could see him.

Only Fili noticed.

Fili watched Kili build up his walls and keep a mask on. The only time Kili's walls were down was when they were together, just the two of them. At times like this Fili would do anything he could for Kili to open up to him, but Kili always denied that anything was wrong.

Fili knew that he was lying.

He heard the quiet sobs of his brother at night when Kili thought he was sleeping.

So he always tried his hardest to make Kili smile, and occasionally get a laugh out of him. Fili thought Kili's laugh was beautiful, and that his smile lit up a room.

But the smiles were becoming more rare.

And the laughs were becoming extinct.

They were becoming fake and forced

Fili hates the fake smiles Kili uses to hide his true feelings. He hates the act. He hates that Kili hates himself. He's seen the way he looks at himself when Kili sees his reflection.

Fili could see the well made walls start cracking. He knew that one day they would break, crumble down to piles of rubble. Fili decided he would fix the cracked walls and make Kili smile again. He wanted Kili to be genuinely happy. He wanted the mask to go away. He wanted his little brother back.

Unfortunately it was too late.

The walls were already falling and there was nothing Fili could do.

So instead he promised he would be there to pick up the pieces.


	2. Chapter 2

**HI! Sorry this took longer to get up than I thought it would. After seeing the second movie I had to take some time to fix some of the things I had written so it was more movie verse. And YES this fic will basically follow the movies, almost. **

**THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU EVERYONE FOR THE REVIEWS, FOLLOWS, AND FAVORITES!**

**OKAY, I CAN'T ANY LONGER. WHO SAW THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG! (see AN at the bottom of chapter to listen to me fangirl and answer some questions you might be wondering about)**

**WARNINGS: Self harm, self hatred, trigger warning!**

**I own nothing.**

**PS: The second section is a flashback, hopefully you'll be able to tell when it's a flashback so I don't have to tell you everytime. This is taking place a few months before the quest. I will not apologize for my characters being OOC. **

"The signs are clear… take back…"

Kili listened as hard as he could through the door to hear the whispers of his uncle and the others.

"What are you doing?"

Fili's voice interrupted Kili's thoughts.

"I'm _trying_ to listen to what their saying!" Kili hissed.

"Well, _excuse_ me!"

"Shut up!"

Fili joined his brother and pressed his ear against the door.

They heard Thorin's deep voice on the other side.

"This is our chance… reclaim Erebor!"

Their eyes widened as they heard their uncle's words. Was this really the quest to reclaim the home they had heard only stories about? Fili brought a finger to his lips, signaling to Kili to be extra quiet. He slowly turned the knob and pushed the door open a crack. Just wide enough to hear clearly what they're saying.

They heard another voice, quickly recognized as Balin, speaking to Thorin.

"What about the lads? Do you plan on leaving them behind?"

The both of them perked up and strained to hear Thorin's reply.

"Fili is my heir, so he has the obligation to come," Thorin audibly sighed, "What I've been trying to figure out is whether or not Kili should come. It's just… He's too young, too childish."

Fili felt his brother stiffen beside him.

"He's your heir also, Thorin. He may not be first, but he has a reason as much as Fili to be there." Balin pointed out.

Thorin grumbled something inaudible.

"He's stronger than you give him credit for, Thorin." Dwalin said, gruffly.

"He's not as strong as he thinks he is, and not strong enough to go on this quest!" Thorin retorted. "He still thinks that bow of his is a real weapon."

"You're the one who gave it to him, Thorin."

"Well I thought he would get over the it by the time he came of age!"

Kili anger at his uncle's words was turning to a familiar rage. He and Thorin had regular arguments about his archery and fighting skills. He had always tried so hard to make his uncle happy, to make him proud. Yet all he could ever do was disappoint him.

He was ready to barge into the room until he heard, "He's hardly even a dwarf to begin with!"

Rage was replaced with the familiar feeling of worthlessness and hatred. Not for his uncle, but for himself.

Fili turned to comfort Kili until he realized his brother was already gone.

* * *

Young Fili heard screaming coming behind the closed door. He buried his head in his uncle's shoulder, soaking his shirt in tears.

Thorin clung to his nephew like a lifeline, his arms wrapped protectively around the dwarfling in his lap, trying to stop the boy from hearing his mother's screams.

The baby had come too early.

Another scream shattered the air, followed by shouts of the other's in the room. The scream faded into silence.

"Is it over?" Fili sniffed. "Uncle?"

The door opened slightly and Balin slipped out.

"You need to go in," Balin told Thorin softly. His eyes moved to the small dwarf huddled in Thorin's embrace. "I'll watch the boy."

Thorin unwrapped his arms from Fili and set him on the floor. Before entering the room he attempted to smile at Fili. "I'll be right back, okay?"

Fili nodded, his tears finally stopped.

The first thing Thorin saw was blood, lots of blood. Oin stood by the bed. "Thorin, I'm sorry. We did everything we could."

Before he could reply a weak voice reached Thorin's ears.

"Thorin…"

"Dis!" he knelt by her bedside.

She looked at him through foggy eyes, "Take care of them… Promise me you'll take care of them…" she rasped, her breathing labored.

"I promise."

She gave him a very weak smile. "His name is Kili…" she whispered, breathing more heavily than before.

"Dis, save your breath everything is going to be okay," Thorin told her, a tear slid down the side of his face. "You'll be better in no time!"

She merely shook her head and smiled sadly at him. "Tell Fili that I love him…"

He stared deep into her eyes she took her last breath.

* * *

Kili ran out of the house, but not without grabbing his bow and quiver of arrows that were propped up by the door. He put both over his shoulder and went as fast as he could into the woods.

As soon as Kili reached the comfort of the familiar trees. He slowed his pace to jog and made his normal spot.

He stopped at a tall, thick oak and started his way up the giant tree. The branches were thick and strong enough to support the weight of any dwarf who would want to climb the tree, but dwarves don't climb trees.

Not normal dwarves, anyway.

He nestled himself among the sturdy branches and green leaves, replaying his uncle's words through his head repeatedly.

_"He still thinks that bow of his is a real weapon."_

_"He's hardly even a dwarf to begin with."_

Kili doesn't lie to himself anymore. He already knew what he was to his uncle, to his family.

A failure.

A mistake.

_A disgrace._

He pulled out an extra arrowhead out of his quiver. He turned it over in his hand before rolling up his sleeve to reveal years and years worth of scars.

He shivered slightly as the cold tip touched his marred skin.

_I deserve this._

Stray drops of crimson fall from the tree to the ground.

* * *

Oin stood at the side of the bed holding a bundle.

"Meet your nephew," Oin said, and handed Thorin the bundle.

Thorin stared down at the dwarfling and two big brown eyes stared at back at him. His heart was filled with love and grief for his newborn nephew and for his lost sister.

_His name is Kili…_

**_TAA_**** DAAAAAAA**

**Did anyone cry? **

**Here's somethings you should probably know about this fic: (DoS SPOILERS)**

**1. This will not be a Tauriel/Kili fic, I love the pairing but it will not be in this story**

**2. Tauriel will most likely not be in this story at all just because when I was writing the timeline I was unsure about what her character would be like.**

**3. If anyone has any more questions about whats going to be in this story just leave it in the reviews or PM me!**

**4. Legolas will be a big character in this story, but not till we actually get to Mirkwood.**

**OMGOMGOMGOMG THE HOBBIT WAS AMAZING! The barrel scene was soooooooo amazing with Leggy jumping on all their heads! And the scene with Kili telling Tauriel about his promise to come home to his mother! AAAHHHH THE FEELS. Most importantly, "I belong with my brother." and, "Do you think she could ever love me?" IT WAS ALL AWESOME!**

**Tell me what you thought about the movie and the story so far in the reviews!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Merry Christmas! (I know it's late. Whatever.) (and if you don't celebrate xmas then happy whatever you celebrate!) How did everyone's holiday go!? Mine was awesome! I got a life-size Loki cut out, a Legolas poster, a Harry Potter hoodie (it says always on the front with the A as the deathly hallows symbol and the names of the books on the back), Doctor Who socks, and chocolate! Plus a gift card to my favorite store: Hot Topic! I'm calling it the Christmas of the Fandoms! Did anyone else get any cool stuff?**

**Thank you to all my new followers, reviewers, and the favorites! I'm really self-conscious about myself so you all have no idea how much the reviews mean to me. I'm serious I almost cried when I read the reviews because I was so happy you all liked my writing. Thanks again to smiles811998 for her help**

**Now I would just like to address a few things:**

**1) According to DoS, Dis is still alive, but this is a fanfiction so I'm allowed to kill her off.**

**2) In DoS we meet Legolas in Mirkwood, however I have two ideas on whether we should meet him in Mirkwood, like the movie, or in Rivendell. Tell me your thoughts in the reviews!**

**3) I'm leaning towards this story having no pairings, but I'm having my readers do a vote (see bottom AN)**

**4) Tauriel will not be in this story, if I do have her she'll merely be a very minor background character since people have mixed feelings about her, but that's unlikely.**

* * *

Fili flinched as he heard the door slam shut. He contemplated on whether to follow his brother into the woods or not.

After deciding it was better to give Kili a little time to cool off, Fili knocked on the door and opened it more peeking his head in. Thorin was sitting at a table with Balin and Dwalin.

"Uncle, what are you talking about?"

Thorin motioned him to sit in a chair next to him.

Fili pulled out the chair and sat down quietly.

"Now I'm going to start at the beginning," Thorin continued, "during my recent travels, when I stopped in Bree I was approached by a wizard, Gandalf the Grey. He told me that he could help us reclaim our home."

"I've been talking to some of the others in town and so far we have eight others who are willing to join us." Balin added.

Thorin nodded. "If you agree to come then we'll have twelve."

"Who else is going?" Fili asked, curiously.

Dwalin started listing off names. "Oin, Gloin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Dori, Nori, Ori, the three of us," Dwalin motioned to himself, Balin, and Thorin, "and you if you want to come."

"What about Kili?" Fili questioned, waiting for an answer. "Uncle, were you planning on leaving him here by himself?"

Thorin hesitated, "Well…"

"Oh Mahal, you were!" Fili yelled in shock. "How can you even think about abandoning him here?"

"He has proved to me that he isn't mature or strong enough to go on this journey." Thorin replied, trying to stay calm.

"Not _strong_ enough? How can you say that?" Fili shouted. "You have never appreciated his skill! The only reason you don't want him to come is because you're _ashamed_ of him!"

The room went still after the accusation fell from Fili's mouth. Fili looked unflinching into Thorin's icy stare.

Without saying a word Fili stood up and walked out of the room.

He didn't look back.

* * *

The sun was setting as Fili made his way down rocky hillside. It was a short walk away from their home into the forest.

_Thunk._

Fili followed the sounds of his brother practicing archery through the trees

_Thunk._

Kili had always liked the forest. Unlike other dwarves who enjoy being underground surrounded by stone, Kili found caves much too confining. He enjoyed the tranquility of the trees. Fili always notice the brightness found it's way back to Kili's eyes when he went into the forest. He was a nature lover, when he could he would go to the forest.

When Kili is sad, he goes to the forest.

When Kili is happy, he goes to the forest.

When Kili is angry, he goes to the forest.

Fili stopped at the edge of the small clearing and watched Kili gracefully release another arrow into the bullseye.

_Thunk._

"I know you're there, Fili."

Fili shook his head and started his way over to Kili.

Some how his brother could always sense if someone was watching him and no one could ever sneak up on him. He always said that he could hear their footsteps of a mile away. Unlike any other dwarves that lived in here, Kili could walk almost silently wherever he went, archer's footsteps is what he called it.

Kili interrupted his thoughts.

"You know I don't like when someone's watching me," he said quietly, intently staring at his bow to avoid eye contact.

Before Fili could reply, Kili changed the subject, "So what else did Thorin say?"

Fili hesitated, not knowing how to tell him that their uncle thought that he shouldn't go on the quest. At the hesitation, Kili looked up sharply, anger blazing in his eyes.

"Kili-"

"Did he say that I was a burden? Unworthy of being his nephew? A weakling? An _elf_?" Kili asked him venomously, even though he wasn't wanting an answer.

In an attempt to comfort his brother he laid a hand on his shoulder, but Kili slapped it away.

"I'm not as weak as everyone thinks I am, Fili!" Kili shouted angrily.

"Kili, you're not weak-"

"Stop it! Stop pretending like you care! Stop pretending like you _know_ what I'm going through! Just stop-"

Kili broke off as a loud growl came from the shadows of the woods.

"What was that?" Kili whispered. "Fili?"

"Warg."

Kili stiffened in fear and stepped closer to his brother.

To find a warg in the forest was uncommon, but not so uncommon that it was unheard of happening. One showed up once every three or four years and was slain immediately when discovered.

They both stood still staring into the dark shadows of the forest looking for any indications of where the beast was.

Fili slowly brought his hand over to his hip to take out his sword, but his hand grabbed nothing. He looked down and to find that his sword wasn't with him. He had left it in his room and forgot to bring it when he went searching for Kili. He swore and Kili's hand tightened around his bow.

Without any warning, a dark warg leaped straight at them from the shadows.

* * *

**Sorry that took so long to get published, but the holidays are CRAZY! There was actually supposed to be more to this chapter, but I got ****_really_**** stuck. So I cut it off there with a cliff hanger. EHEHEHE. Yep, I'm evil. I updated my profile if anyone wants to go check that out.**

**Remember to vote on the pairing:**

**Durincest**

**Legolas/Kili**

**No pairing**

**And vote on meeting Legolas in Rivendell or Mirkwood! (If it's in Rivendell then you'll get A LOT more Leggy!)**

**PS. Has anyone listened to the song I'll Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab for Cutie? It's the saddest song I've ever heard and I cry every time I hear it without fail.**


	4. Chapter 4

_I'm tired of being what you want me to be_

_Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface_

_I don't know what you're expecting of me_

_Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes_

_Every step that I take is another mistake to you_

Numb- Linkin Park

_Last time on When Shadows Almost Killed Your Light:_

_Fili slowly brought his hand over to his hip to take out his sword, but his hand grabbed nothing. He looked down and to find that his sword wasn't with him. He had left it in his room and forgot to bring it when he went searching for Kili. He swore and Kili's hand tightened around his bow._

_Without any warning, a dark warg leaped straight at them from the shadows. _

As fast as lightning, Kili loaded an arrow and shot the warg in the throat.

It fell to ground in a heap, struggling to stand to it's feet. It only lived a second more till another arrow pierced it's skull, finishing the kill.

They stood there in silence just looking at the creature. It's midnight colored hair now glistened with crimson.

Kili cautiously stepped towards the creature and pulled out the bloody arrows protruding from the body.

"We need to get home," Fili said. "Now."

Kili nodded in agreement. Before leaving Kili quickly gathered up all his arrows and the two brothers ran out of the forest together.

* * *

Fili sat on his unkempt bed as he watched Kili clean the warg blood off of his arrows.

"You have to talk with him."

"Actually, no. I don't"

"Kili, don't be a fool! Avoiding him won't solve anything!"

"And what will confronting him do exactly?"

"It will give you a chance to actually talk to him, face to face."

"I've heard all he has to say and all I want to hear," Kili snapped at him.

"Fine! You know what? Don't talk to him!" Fili cried, exasperated. "Do whatever you want, because I'm tired of little game the two of you play with each other! Kili, you take what others say too seriously! I'm sure if you just talk to uncle-"

"He'll what?" Kili interrupted angrily. "He'll say he's 'sorry' about what said? That he'll let me go with you all, on a whim, because I ask _nicely_?"

"Just show him how skilled you are!" Fili suggested. "We have to tell him about the warg anyway!"

"Fili, uncle doesn't care about how I can shoot with a bow. He only cares about _dwarf_ weapons." Kili slumped down defeated on the bed, next to Fili. Kili leaned his head against his older brother's shoulder as Fili's arm wrapped around him.

"Just talk to him, okay?" Fili pleaded softly, leaning his head against Kili's.

"For me?"

Kili gave a reluctant sigh.

Fili smiled against Kili's dark hair.

* * *

_The swords crashed together with a loud clang._

_Thorin stood on the side lines with Dwalin watching the spar._

_Fili gave another swipe with his sword as Kili narrowly avoided it by stepping to the left. Kili countered and swung his sword at Fili's side, which Fili blocked easily._

_"You have to put more force into your attack, Kili!" Thorin shouted._

_Kili took deep breath before attacking again. With all his strength he gave one massive swipe. Fili met the blow with the same force and the blades both smashed together. Fili recovered quickly from the attack and spun to the side lashing out with his sword. Kili jumped back, avoiding the blade, but leaving open to another attack. Fili's next blow came as a surprise as Kili hurriedly raised his sword, stumbling slightly. Using that to his advantage, Fili swiped at Kili's legs._

_Kili fell to the ground with a huff and the sword clattered as when it met the ground._

_Thorin gave a disappointed sigh as he watched Fili help Kili to his feet. When Kili looked to his uncle all he did was shake his head slightly and say, "Good job, Fili."_

_With that he stood up and walked away._

* * *

"Uncle?" Thorin looked up and saw Kili standing hesitantly in front of him. "Fili said I should talk to you about something. Something about a quest…"

Thorin sighed. He quickly explained everything about the quest to Erebor. Kili nodded.

"And you don't want me to go, do you?" he asked quietly.

There was a long a silence before Thorin shook his head.

"No. No, I don't."

Kili clench his fist and snapped his eyes closed. He breathed shakily.

"Kili, you have to understand that you and Fili are all I have left." Thorin explained. "I just can't bear the thought of losing you."

"So, what you're saying is that to show how much you care, you are going to take Fili and just abandon me hear?" Kili countered.

"It's not like that-"

"Then what is it like?" Kili snapped. "You also have to understand that you and Fili are also all I have left! I can't stay here knowing that you are out there fighting for our homeland and I'm stuck here, twiddling my thumbs!"

"You will respect my decision!" Thorin roared back at him. "You are immature and reckless! I would be leaving you behind, not just for your safety, but for the other's as well! You think yourself prepared for such a journey, when all you do is play around with that bow of yours! That pathetic piece of wood will do nothing in a real battle!"

"Well, this pathetic piece of wood saved my and Fili's life today in the woods!" Kili seethed.

Thorin sneered, "Oh, really?"

"Yes, really! Please, uncle, just give me a chance!" Kili pleaded, desperately.

Kili stared at Thorin with big brown eyes, silently pleading that he look past all his faults and give him a chance to prove to that he is ready. To prove to himself and Thorin that he's worth it.

"Okay."

Fili smiled when he heard his brothers shout of joy.

Maybe the old Kili is still in there.

**Happy ending! (well of the chapter anyway, not the story) Sorry about the long wait, I just got up this morning and said "you're gonna finish and publish that chapter today." AND I DID! This chapter was definitely inspired by the song, Numb by Linkin Park. I was also busy writing a Thorinduil one shot. Review if you would want to read it. Otherwise I probably won't post it. **

**I know that there has been A LOT of fighting/arguments, but that's a common thing when going through conflict and not communicating properly. And I hope everyone liked the little flashback, it was my first time writing sword fighting so I hope it was okay. **

**The voting thing from the last chapter: So a lot of people wanted no pairings so I'm going with it. (Don't worry fellow slash lovers. I'm 100% sure I will do a slash story sometime.) **

**Current favorite song: The Phoenix, Fall Out Boy (SERIOUSLY GO LISTEN TO IT!)**

**R&R**


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